My daughter gave birth to her first child in December last year. It was a time of uncertainty and trauma. Afterwards I couldn’t quite get myself back to having any sort of energy at all. So my life got very small as I rested at home trying to re energise.
My throat got very sore in January and my usual tricks of Olive Leaf Extract and Garlic didnt help.
My DR ordered a Thyroid Ultrasound and three large lumps were found. I had a biopsy the following week and received the diagnosis of atypical follicular neoplasm category 4. A twist of fate and a leading Endocrine Surgeon had a cancellation in two hours and by 6.30pm that same night I was seen and evaluated and booked in for a partial thyroidectomy for the folllowing Tuesday.
I was told that I had no option other than surgery. I was told that they would not know what level of cancer it was until it was removed. It may be benign. It may be a multi nodal goiter or it may be a carcinoma. I had no option but to play a waiting game for six long weeks after the operation.
I was in total shock. I have lived a healthy lifestyle for years yet have struggled with energy for a while. I felt angry. I felt scared. I felt empty. I felt conflicted. I’m a major advocate for natural health so the thought of having an operation and being dependent on medication for the rest of my life was horrific to say the least.
My resolve however was to feel determined and optimistic and confident.
So those three tumors had to change form for me. They became a reflection of the three stars in the belt of Orion. I tuned in and decided that they were giving me wisdom like three kings of the orient. I decided that this experience had to be my calling card for great change. I wanted those three stars to lead me out of the darkness I had lived in for years. I had planned to live until least 100 years old and I wasn’t prepared to give up that plan. All of a sudden I didn’t have potential, I had an ending in sight. All of a sudden I faced what we all ultimately face. Our mortality. Noooo!!!!! I felt so strongly that I had so much more to contribute like I hadn’t even really started yet. How could it end now? No! This wasn’t my story. Sorry. Fuck you God — This isn’t my Story!
I had more grandchildren to meet. I intended to watch my three sons get married and nagged to death by their wives. I planned on watching my four children grow into middle age and live through all the challenges of having a family. I wanted to live. I wanted to love. And I didn’t feel as if I had finished yet.
The mental anguish was overwhelming. I had to keep myself distracted otherwise I would dissolve into tears with a fear in the pit of my stomach that I would die soon. What total insanity! It became impossible to exist as I was in a vacuum.
Then I had a major realization.
From the minute that we are born, it is guaranteed that we will die. We will all die. Every single one of us. That is guaranteed. I will die. One day. But I don’t want that day to be now. I am not ready.
If I will die anyway one day then why worry about when that would be? Why wouldn’t I live the best life I could live while I’m still here?
Right. I set off on my plan for my future no matter how short it may be. I put together a plan for full recovery with a team of Network Chiropractors, Massage Therapist, Naturopath, Holistic GP as well as my wonderful friends who were scattered across the entire planet for guide me through emotional aspect of this whole experience.
Anytime I felt like I could no longer be me, I phoned a strategic friend to talk me out of my crazy. After all, how does a control freak control the uncontrollable?
The day of the operation arrived and as they wheeled me into theater I was singing Martika’s pop song “Thy Will Be Done.” to myself. One by one everyone in the theater from the Doctors to the Guy wheeling me in began to sing along. That’s what I heard as I went under.
Recovery was tough. I don’t take medication so my body struggled with all the chemicals in its systems. I could speak straight away yet my singing voice took months to return. We met with the Surgeon at our designated six weeks and he looked me straight in the eye and delivered the news that the three wise men trapped in my thyroid were benign. “We probably didn’t need to operate.” he said.
The me that I couldn’t be for the past seven weeks returned to earth with a resounding thump!
So what happened?
How did I get here?
Quite simply my energy for life disappeared. It trickled out of me slowly but surely like a slow leak in your kitchen sink.
Because I wasn’t following my heart. I wasn’t’ enjoying what I was doing. I was caught up in the dramas of the projects that I was managing and I forgot who I was. I forgot WHY I was. I forgot.
Am I ok now? All the data says yes I am. How do I feel? Like it would be so very easy to sink back into that void of nothingness where I lived for such a long time.
What can I do to prevent it from happening again? I do not know for sure but if definitely feels like the only way for me to live my life from this point is to follow my own heart in everything that I do.
I have been given another chance.
There but for the Grace of God go I. x